So your car tells me I won't like you

I don't like bumper stickers.

Really, all car adornments- from antennae balls to window clings to bumper stickers seem a bit tacky to me -with very few exceptions. And it seems the more decorations on a car, the trashier that car looks.

I must admit that when I got my first car, in my excitement to have a car of my very own, I succumbed to this trend. I wanted to make my car uniquely my own, so I had an antennae ball from Hopefest, a Jesus fish on my bumper, Hawaiian seat covers, and even -gasp!- a hula girl on my dashboard. But when I traded in my '85 VW Golf for a beautiful, almost new 2000 Ford Focus, I had no desire whatsoever to clutter it up with decorations. I did begrudgingly put a new Jesus fish on my shiny new bumper as it was a birthday present, but other than that, I strived to keep it clean and simple.

Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian and I can appreciate when people are brave enough to announce their faith and refuse to be kept quiet. But shouldn't the best way to do that be to live the life? To strive to be Christ-like in all you do? Why, oh why, do you feel you have to junk up your car to accomplish this?!?! I'm glad you love Jesus, hate abortion, and voted for McCain- I did too! But why do you think that the guy sitting behind you in traffic gives a crap?

No one is going to decide not to tailgate you because you have a "Baby on Board". People aren't going to stop speeding after seeing your "Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly" sticker. It's just weird and creepy to say that your car is "In Memory" of a deceased loved one. Political bumper stickers are idiotic and only apply during said politician's run for office- afterward, it's just dumb. If they won, get over it. If they lost, really get over it. And no one - NO ONE- cares what you'd like Calvin to piss on, or that your kid is in the honor society.

I found myself behind possibly the most offensive car I've ever seen recently. To start off with, it was a white pickup- I'd already hate it as about 1 in 5 people in Texas had one, including the redneck who hit our brand new car our first day there. Next, it had one of the aforementioned Calvin window clings peeing on a phrase that looked like it had the word "religion" in it. Next, my eyes moved down to the bumper where I spied one of those "Support the Troops" ribbon magnets- only instead of supporting the troops, it said "Support Lap Dancers". Huh, I wasn't aware that lap dancers were in need of support. Is there some sort of lack in sick, horny, ugly men and/or bachelor parties that is causing these poor lap dancers to have to seek out other jobs where they might actually be able to hang on to what self respect they have left? Oh, no! Forget the economy, we must save the lap dancers! Next to the lap dancer magnet was a Darwin fish eating a Jesus fish saying "Reality bites". Really, people? Do you honestly think a Christian will see this stupid sticker and be forced to question their beliefs? Huh, redneck lap dance supporter thinks I'm wrong. I must be wrong.

But wait, it gets worse. Below the twice offensive bumper I find the pièce de résistance, the most offensive, disgusting car adornment on the market today- trailer hitch balls. That's right- testicles hanging from this gentleman's trailer hitch.

WHY?

Why would anyone want balls anywhere on their car?

It just struck me when I saw this how car decor can be pretty powerful. They can announce your religious beliefs, your political views, or - in the case of our religion-pissing, Darwin-loving, lap dancer-supporting, proud testicle owner here, it can show the whole world just how big of a douche bag you are without you having to say one word.

Good job, random Chevy driver, good job. I'm sure you've made your momma proud.